Illustration by A. Gristwood. You can find her on: https://www.facebook.com/A.Gristwood.Art/
It’s a well-known fact that mythical creatures have appropriated grandiose notoriety and stories to fair better in today’s media-led society. And vampires are the kings and queens of the propaganda ferris wheel; so, today I’m going to pull the breaks at the funfair and set the record straight about these pale-skinned, lily-livered, blood fiends— once and for all.
‘Geminae Dente Virgo Fututorum’ (that’s the technical Latin name for 'vampire') roughly translates to ‘Twin Fanged Virgin Fucker.’ (Apologies for the crass language. But if you’ve read this far, you clearly wanted the truth. And truth is never pretty). However, as I don’t want to offend, and seeing that typing Twin Fanged Virgin Fucker gets a little repetitive, from here onwards I will use TFVF instead.
Disseminating TFVF: Fact from fiction...
Inability to walk in the daylight: now, contrary to popular belief, the TFVF won’t spontaneously combust into a fiery inferno if exposed to sunlight. Shocker, right? I know. Like you and I, they can happily stroll in the sun without even a hint of a singed hair. Not only that, they can, in fact, accomplish a nice sun-kissed glow.
How do I know this?
Because an expert, anonvamptruthhunter69, uploaded videos on YouTube about them from his Mum and Dad's garage.
TFVFs were documented on the beach, soaking up the very rays that are meant to turn them into hideous human fireworks. Not only that, they were filmed in the park, playing frisbee with their BFFs, the Hounds of Hell (there’ll be another expose about these dodgy dog impersonators soon). TFVFs have been lying to us all along about their inability to walk in the sun. But. Sightings of these neck-sucking-toothy-terrors walking about in daytime are rare.
Yep, our iron-deficient dudes and dudettes fear wrinkles.
There’s no getting away from sun damage, and these pasty people know the harsh reality of UV rays. The flame bursting myth was concocted to propagate a bad-arse fable about these precious narcissists. Reputation is everything. Propaganda, people—pure spin.
Excess nail growth and lack of body hair: this, like most hair-rific problems regular people incur, is a hormone imbalance.
But it doesn’t stop there.
Why do you think western society promotes hairless bodies and acrylic nails? Ever wondered who ‘really’ owns all those nail bars? Because they are EVERYWHERE. Ever questioned why hair-removal products are so expensive? Yeah, that’s right, TFVFs have their talon-fingers in this, people. They are the Illuminati of the beauty industry. Don’t blame the beauticians or laser removal technicians, though. They are merely pawns.
Fangs/blood drinking: Whilst these two points are very much rooted in fact (bad pun very much intended), their origins have been skewed to cover up a rather embarrassing reality.
TFVF are lactose and gluten intolerant, suffer from irritable bowel syndrome and have a genetic inability to absorb nutrients properly (namely iron and B vitamins). They get the shits if they drink dairy and break out in a nasty case of hives if they eat flour-based cake; so, they adapted with a spot of blood-supping. Sustenance straight from the tap. Easily digestible and packed full of all the stuff needed to sustain these pastel-faced bandits.
Much like the lack of wisdom teeth in many, and the useless appendix in us all, TFVF evolved pronounced canines. As blunted fangs make for poor skin penetration (and gone are the days where they could get away with tearing out throats without consequence) natural selection did its work, and survival of the pointy-toothed-fittest won. The law maybe an ass, but it’s saved us from all the inadequately fanged—since ripping out throats generally leads to death and murder is a crime.
Immortality: there’s a lot of speculation about the longevity of a TFVF. Truth is, no one knows. It’s been confirmed that a stake through the heart or decapitation will end them, but those kinds of methods are likely to kill anything.
Sexual appeal: one word... HYPNOSIS. Mind-manipulators are not benign cabaret acts. Beware the man who whips out a pocket watch. He's likely of the vampire persuasion.
Now you know the truth. Do with it what you will.