Illustration by A. Gristwood. You can find her on: https://www.facebook.com/A.Gristwood.Art/
Following my Vampire exposé a few weeks ago, it was brought to my attention that the fishy folk of the sea (aka ‘Mermaids’) have been mobilising forces. Battalions of these enigmatic water walkers have been gathering presence on the internet. And people are worried.
I have taken on the task to reassure you… to help settle down those needless and unsubstantiated concerns.
Remember people: fishes are friends. Flippers, fins or feet… discrimination will not be tolerated.
Truth from Tale...
Pre-political correctness, mermaids were more commonly known as Clamantes Acerbus (that’s Latin for ‘Tannoy Tart’). I know, what an awful classification! But this isn’t my doing. I’m here to spread facts, not fiction.
‘Tannoy Tart’ was likely coined by the seafaring men (and their wives) to warn naïve sailors of the seemingly dangerous beauties donning the coastline, with nothing but shell brassieres to protect their scandalous bosoms.
Half fish/half human, speculation has dogged the origin of mermaids since they were first spotted.
Were they a product of magic? Did they evolve from an amphibious lizard-like-fish that crawled out of the sea four million years ago? Or, had a fisherman taken a different kind of interest in his ‘catch of the day?’
No one knows for sure where these slithery seductresses appeared from; one thing we do know: they are real and some have adapted to life on land.
‘Why?’ I hear you ask. ‘If I were a mermaid, I’d never leave the sea.’
Well, if you’re straight and looking for love, then you might not have much choice.
Mermaid’s aesthetic beauty is world renowned; however, there’s much to be said for their male counterparts…
Or, as they are more commonly known: Squamea Convolvens Limus (that’s Latin for ‘Scaly Slobs’).
These Jabba The Hutts of the sea spend most of the day sleeping, scratching their genitalia and farting (ever smelled a merman’s fart? Trust me, you’ll never breathe properly again afterward!).
Mother Nature is a cruel beast—for every twenty mermaids, there is only one merman. Imagine!
With their male genetic pool dwindling, mermaids turned to humans for help.
What Went Wrong...
Rumour spread that mermaids tempted sailors into the sea with their beautiful song for the sole purpose of drowning them. And this is simply not true.
Yes, mermaids have had a number of ‘run-ins’ with sailors over the past few hundred years, but this is due, in part, to a long built-up frustration within the mermaids pitiful and stressful circumstances with the mermen.
The sailors had an answer.
These sirens of the sea weren’t luring anyone to their death. How were they to know that most sailors couldn’t swim? I mean, come on. Who travels across oceans and can’t even produce a doggy paddle if they fall in?
Mermaids were simply trying to get their hands on the bottles of rum sailors had stashed in their ships. They were looking for a little bit of alcohol-induced escape.
We’ve all been there, right? Absent fathers, screaming kids. Well, mermaids needed an outlet too. And they found their solace at the bottom of the bottle.
It’s been a while since the last confirmed mermaid sighting, but, if you know where to look, you’ll find them (I saw one last week and had a nice cup of tea with her. I can’t tell you where, though, I pinky-finned a promise to keep shtum).
What I can divulge is that some do come ashore. They possess the ability to shed their tails (a secret process even I’m not privy too) to spend time with us walkers.
Ever seen those Instagram pics? You know the ones, just a pair of legs sunbathing by a pool or the sea. You guessed it, they’re a secret nod between mermaids. Next time you see one floating about on the internet, take a closer look… you might catch a glimpse of a sparkly scale or two.