New years resolutions are a waste of time, I’ve never once stuck to any of them. Still, like pretending to pay attention during a work-related meeting, I feel it’d be rude not to continue with tradition. And given that I now have a blog and website, where better to [publicly] state a list of things I’ll likely fail at?
Just kidding… I’m not going to fail. This year I’m going to take example, adapt resolutions to be failure proof—this year I’m going to word them like a politician.
1) I will continue to watch my diet (translation: I will look at food before I consume it. This can only be broken when eating in the dark. But that’s what refrigerator lights are for. Fool proof).
2) I will adopt a new skin care regime that helps smooth wrinkles (translation: after a year of losing weight through undiagnosed illness, I will finally be able to eat without sickness and put said weight back on—ergo smoothing out the wrinkles. Genius!).
3) I will develop a better sleeping habit (translation: I will dose the husband with sleep aid and buy earplugs).
4) I will treat my body with respect and only consume filtered drinks (translation: I will only buy triple distilled vodka instead of cheap knockoffs).
5) I will organise my work spaces (translation: organising is a subjective construct, and I will no longer compare my definition to those with O.C.D.).
6) I will spend less time worrying (translation: I will follow resolutions 2 and 4 instead).
7) I will spend more time with my family (translation: I will be so terrible at work, they will actively offer me redundancy—just kidding, I love my job. Besides, I work within school hours anyway).
8) Following the teachings of Buddha, if someone is unkind to me, says something mean or offensive, and I haven’t got anything nice to say back to them, I’ll say nothing at all…
9) I will refrain from using the car and walk more often (translation: if I’m successful with resolution number 7, I’ll have no choice).
10) I will stop calling my husband a c*^t when he annoys me (translation: I will follow the path of Buddha and call him a ‘flowery vagina’ instead).
Good luck with your own new year resolutions. Remember, if you’re like me and fall before the first furlong, word it right and you’ll be a winner in no time!
I wish you all a wonderful, heart-warming and brilliant Christmas and New Year!